Sacrificing love for work

By Rachel Zupek,

The choice between a successful career and love is not always clear-cut. Personal goals, current job satisfaction, financial needs and personal beliefs can all play a role in the decision. But it doesn't have to be as hard as some people make it.

"People keep getting stuck in all-or-nothing thinking. They think it is either work or a relationship, but life is more than both. Workers need to change their thinking to look for alternatives," says Kim Leatherdale, a relationship therapist. "Although no one worker is irreplaceable, a good relationship can be. People get focused on relationships or work and forget they can have both if they choose to."

Susan Cucuzza, a human-resources consultant with Live Forward, faced this issue when she met the man who would eventually become her husband. While they dated, his job required him to travel Monday through Friday, which made their relationship difficult.

"I think I broke up with him about five times while we dated," Cucuzza recalls. "We both lived in Cleveland and he traveled to Detroit. He worked 16- to 18-hour days, so by the time he called me, it was midnight and he was exhausted. I realized that if I loved this man and wanted to marry him, I needed to move to Detroit." 

Fortunately for Cucuzza, she was able to transfer offices with her company, which meant she did not have to sacrifice her career. But, if she hadn't had that option, she says she would have made the same choice. 

"I would have quit because I did not want to sacrifice a relationship that I had waited 34 years for," she says. "Life is too short. Relationships can last a lifetime and a career does not. From the time you start working, assess your top values in life, and do not compromise them." 

Love and careers go hand in hand

Whether or not to put love or a career in front of the other is personal preference and each has its own benefits and consequences. Leatherdale says that relationships and careers often feed off each other. For example, some workers might be so focused on advancing their career that they end up stealing time from their relationship. But a good relationship can actually be a boon to work, she says, providing support, steadiness and insight. 

Cathy Wilke, a life coach, agrees, saying that a good romantic relationship outside of work feeds our work life and everything else we do. 

"A loving, supportive relationship -- if you are lucky enough to have one -- is akin to emotional bedrock. Being loved and supported emotionally enables us to thrive," Wilke says. "While having a great career is also very important to happiness, the career without the relationship often leaves one feeling like something is missing from life. We are social animals, and work can only fulfill so much of that need." 

Balancing act

The key to this whole dilemma is not making the choice between a career and a relationship, but finding a way to better balance the two.

"Too many people confuse static balance with what we really live: a dynamic life. Sometimes we spend more time with one thing or another, where the finesse has to occur in knowing when to switch focus," Leatherdale says. "If you have a major work project which will take extra time, tell your partner and make a decision of how long you will allow yourself to be overextended. While you are involved with the project, take small moments to do something loving in order to remain intimate. This can be simply a small note before you leave in the morning or calling when you have a few moments during the day."

Here are five tips from the experts on how to successfully balance work with your relationship.

1. Treat your partner like a partner

Talk with him, keep him abreast of what is going on and let him know when you need a little extra focus at work, Leatherdale says. And remember love. "If you truly care about your partner, you will take time regularly to make sure you aren't taking them for granted."

2. Coffee talk

"Choose one weekday morning to get up early and have coffee together before going to the office," Wilke says. "This is a great thing to do, because rather than getting each other's sloppy seconds, you're fresh and can spend some quality time together before work takes over."

3. Put things into perspective

Leatherdale says to ask yourself, "On a scale of one to 10, how much will this particular job matter in 10 years?" and "On a scale of one to 10, how much will this relationship matter to me in 10 years?"  "Be real in your answers; you may surprise yourself," she says.

4. Date night

"Schedule one night each week for a date with your partner," Wilke says. "It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just something you both agree upon. If you can keep a standing date each week, even better."

5. Work-free zones

"If work must be done from home, like email checking, set a specific time to do it," Wilke says. For example, no working after a certain hour or only dedicating a few hours of one weekend day to work so that the other day is a work-free zone. "When you're in the work-free zone, no thinking or talking about work!"

Source: careerbuilder

I tattled on a co-worker

By Rachel Zupek 

When you walk past your co-worker's desk, you notice he's on Facebook. The next time you walk by, you see he's on it again. In fact, you start to notice that more often than not, every time you pass your colleague, he's on Facebook.

 

So, do you tell your boss?

The reasons why you may feel the urge to tattle on a co-worker are many, says Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. Perhaps you want to stand out to your boss or supervisor by making yourself look better than the co-worker.

"It could also be a passive-aggressive way to sabotage a co-worker about whom you have ambivalent feelings," Levine says.

But tattling could have repercussions on your career. 

"Your colleagues or supervisor may feel like you have loose lips and can't be trusted," Levine says. "You may be seen as someone unable to be a 'team player.'"

It's important to discern the difference between tattling and reporting. Tattling is when you tell on a co-worker for making personal phone calls versus reporting someone for sexual harassment, for example. While tattling has its consequences, reporting someone's behavior can have benefits if done correctly.

"You may need to tattle to protect your own reputation or to protect the reputation of a supervisor," Levine says. "An employee may be in a situation that is over his [or] her head and may require someone else's support and intervention to resolve it. Or, it may curb the co-worker's inappropriate behavior and help out colleagues who don't feel confident enough to tell someone."

Before you make accusations, Levine warns that you need to be absolutely sure that your allegations are valid. You also need to assess your own motivations. 

"If you decide to go ahead, focus on the inappropriate behaviors rather than on the person, per se," she suggests. "Be especially cautious about tattling if the behavior isn't related to the workplace."

We asked you to share some of your tattling tales and the motives behind your admission. Names have been withheld to protect privacy.

"Years ago, I worked for a very well-respected accounting firm. We were hired to copy thousands of documents for a law firm involved in a high-profile insider-trading case.

"A co-worker made a photocopy of a check bearing the signature of a well-known individual and pocketed the copy. He later showed it to another co-worker and me. After a moment of deliberation, we told the partner in charge, and our copying co-worker was fired on the spot.

"We decided to tattle as he was tarnishing the integrity of the company and violating the very principle upon which we had been hired in the first place. To this day, I do not regret the tattle." 

"I reported some questionable decisions by a colleague, and my superiors looked at me like I was from Mars. When I saw my colleague next, he was aloof and a bit smug. I suggested working separately on a project in the spring and he concurred instantly.

"Ultimately he needed to know that as a junior member, he was accountable and that others noticed his actions. For that I have no regrets. Could I have gone to him with my concerns rather than going over his head? Yes. But I also don't think he is receptive to others thoughts so I felt it would fall on deaf ears. In the end I stand [by] my decision and hope he will grow and mature in his field."

"She and I were both social workers at a small not-for-profit hospice. I had been there a few years, and she was newly hired. Her second day on the job, she came to me and asked me if I would loan her money to fill her car up with gas, as she had very few funds until her first paycheck. I agreed to help her out. I did it twice more, and I know some of the nurses helped her out, too. By that time she had received her paycheck and her payment for mileage, but she didn't start paying any of us back. 

"Still, I kept my mouth shut until one day she was sick, and my supervisor asked me to see one of her patients who was in a crisis situation. I went over to the patient's house, helped resolve the issue and was getting ready to leave when the patient handed me a $20 bill! I gave it back to her and said, 'You don't have to pay me. I get paid by hospice. It's part of my job to come out here and help you however I can.'

"She gave me a puzzled look and said, 'But that other social worker said she couldn't come see me unless I gave her money for mileage.' I drove back to the agency, went into my supervisor's office and sang like a bird. I've never ratted another employee out before, but I'd never run into a situation like that before, either.

"The other social worker ended up losing her job, partly because of what I had revealed but also partly because she hadn't documented a single patient visit since she'd been employed there and she hadn't updated any of her care plans. The agency also contacted all of her clients and discovered that the lady I had visited wasn't the only one she'd scammed. They made sure that the clients got their money back.

"I normally say I have my co-workers' backs 100 percent, but my first responsibility is to the clients that our agency serves. If I had it to do over again, I'd make the same choice." 

"I once had to report a colleague for inappropriate contact. This person would playfully yank my ponytail and once stuck his fingers down the back of a female co-worker's blouse to tuck in her tag. The final straw happened one morning when I had pulled into the parking garage and reached over to grab my bag. Suddenly I heard someone trying to open my car door. He had walked up to my car and decided to open my door without tapping on the window or calling out good morning. It was creepy and scary and I waved him on pretending to take a cell phone call.

"When I reported him, he was written up for sexual harassment and it changed his behavior real quick. Admittedly at the time I felt bad for getting him into trouble. But looking back, he was extremely inappropriate and if he hadn't been checked, he might have escalated against me or another colleague.

"He never knew who reported him and at the time, he'd demanded to know. Luckily my boss protected my identity and no one had any more problems with him. I have no regrets and actually felt relief along with my colleagues when he left the company six months later."

Source: careerbuilder

Taking vacation: Can you leave the job behind?

Rachel Zupek Farrell,

Workers are back to reality -- and their desks -- after some much needed time off this summer. Well, at least some workers took time off.

Twenty-four percent of full-time workers surveyed reported they couldn't afford to take a vacation this year, up from 21 percent last year, according to a CareerBuilder study of more than 5,600 workers.

Of workers who did plan to take a vacation, 30 percent plan to work while on vacation, while another 30 percent say they will contact work while they're away.

"Taking advantage of vacation or paid-time-off benefits is critical not only to your well-being, but to your overall job performance," says Rosemary Haefner, vice president of human resources at CareerBuilder.

"Workers who set aside time for R&R tend to have less burnout, more creative energy and higher-quality output. While financial challenges and heavy workloads may make vacation planning difficult, it's important to find time to recharge away or at home. It can ultimately translate into a more gratifying work experience that benefits you, your family and your employer."

The real question is why do people have such a hard time taking time away from the office? Do they feel guilty? Are they worried they'll be fired? Do they not trust those who will be in charge during their absence? Or do they just love work so much they can't bear to walk away, even for a day?

I asked workers about their vacation and relaxation habits -- or lack thereof -- and why those habits exist. Here's what a few of them said:

"Taking time off is something that I gradually learned to do over the years. I used to not only work long hours, but I'd also throw myself into volunteer projects and just kind of be a workaholic at whatever I did. Slowly, it just started sinking in that by not giving myself a break, I was making myself less effective at the things I was trying to do.

"I have no problem working long hours when I need to, but I've become fairly adamant about taking vacations and not working AT ALL when I'm off: no cell phone, no email, nada. Look at one work email and you get sucked into the vortex and relaxation disappears. I often arrange to have at least part of my vacation in places where electronic distractions are unavailable, as a sort of guarantee that I really do detach from it all for at least a bit. 

"It helps. I always return to work more alert, energized and productive. Burnout doesn't have to be collapsing in a crumpled heap; it can be much more subtle -- every day becoming a slog because you haven't had time to recharge." -- Bruce Mirken, media relations coordinator, The Greenlining Institute

"My wife and I own and operate two Internet properties. We have been entrepreneurs for many years. WHAT IS TIME OFF? 

"I vacation frequently; however, I take my laptop and work a minimum of 15 to 60 minutes each day. I am not so foolish to think that everything will stop without me. Family has always come first, and I never missed a soccer game, dinner, vacation or spending time with my wife and children. When the kids would go to bed, I would choose to check in at work versus watching 'Desperate Housewives.'" -- Bob Shrilla, owner, Simply Bags and Keepsakes Etc.

"We are witnessing tough economic time[s], which is putting business executives in stressful situation[s]. Stress management is [a] key thing in today's time. What matters is mind control. We have so many positive and negative thoughts going on in our mind[s] that it becomes difficult to focus and concentrate. I take breaks in between working hours. I meditate for short periods, take deep breaths and shift my mind from mundane business matters to something pleasant, like vacations. This kind of relaxation helps me re-energize myself." -- Ajay Patole, Management Opinions of Ajay

"I used to struggle with taking time off early in my career. I found that when I would go away, I would be so tense it took me a few days to relax. Part of it was fear and desperation -- I can't let stuff drop. Several times when I would travel for work or vacation, I would come back and things had fallen apart. The negative experiences I had in the past and the eagerness to provide for my family at all costs made me afraid to let go.

"I would only have a day or so of relaxation before I would wind back up again in anticipation of going back to work. I was such a mess and hard to be around -- it wasn't worth the vacation.

"Now that I am an entrepreneur, I have more control of when and how long I can vacation. I still have to consciously coach myself to get in relaxation mode.

"I work my guts out while I am at work and play my guts out while I am on vacation. I try to have everything set up before I leave, so I can relax on the vacation.

"I do allow myself one work issue to think through while on vacation. If I think about an issue in relaxation mode, I can creatively solve the problem. I use those waiting moments on a vacation to think through the problem and the rest of the time focus [on] enjoying the vacation.

"I still struggle with whether to check emails every day or so, or come home to over 1,600 emails. This summer, I vacationed for 10 days in Europe and came home to all those emails. My flight home was stressful, and knowing I had 1,600 plus emails to answer added to the level of misery -- like jumping into a cold pool of water.

"I have found that over the years, vacationing and making time for loved ones is critical. I have made vacation a priority in my life and find that when I don't, I start living in kind of a desperate mode.

Source: careerbuilder