Workplace communication can be derailed by a bad case of 'yes, but'

Matthew Tarpey,

 

Successful communication in homes and businesses alike is being impeded by the growing national habit of "yes, buts." "Yes, buts" are statements that begin with a tentative agreement, followed by a completely different idea altogether, and they've become so commonplace in American life that we sometimes aren't even aware of them.

For the most part, people use "yes, buts" in an effort to sound more polite or thoughtful. However, there are several reasons why "yes, buts" are detrimental to communication. In his book "Conversation Transformation," Ben E. Benjamin, Ph.D., discusses three major ones.

1. "Yes, buts" send a mixed message
People are often concerned that their body language or tone of voice might send a mixed message, but people can usually count on their words to convey a consistent message. "Yes, buts" are the definition of a mixed message; they allow people to offer two opposing ideas in a single sentence. While you may think you sound polite, you're making it more difficult for the other person's brain to process what you're saying. When given two conflicting ideas, the brain will have to focus on just one.

2. People only hear "but"
In a meeting, if your boss says, "That's a good idea, but I think we should keep brainstorming," do you think your boss liked your idea? People tend to notice differences more than similarities. When faced with a "yes, but," most people will focus on the part that disagrees with their own point rather than the part that agrees with it. People may also think the other person doesn't respect them enough to speak directly. If there's too much negative energy, eventually any conversation will break into an argument.

3. Any difference can become a conflict
"Yes, buts" beget more "yes, buts." If you're talking with someone who is even remotely competitive, he's likely to start firing back his own "yes, buts" to counter yours. Before you know it, a civilized conversation can careen off course and become a veritable tennis match of "yes, buts" being batted back and forth. Eventually it seems like one person must be right and the other must be wrong, even if both people's initial points weren't necessarily mutually exclusive. "Yes, buts" have created an argument where there once was conversation. It may not be a shouting match, but it is just as ineffective at resolving conflict and it wastes just as much time.

Curing your "yes, buts"
The first step to kicking this bad habit is to recognize it. When presented with ideas that you don't necessarily agree with, keep track of your train of thought. If you're only thinking of counter arguments, you're in danger of using a "yes, but." When your mind is full of them, some are likely to spill out into conversation. It can also help to ask friends or family members to speak up when they notice your "yes, buts." Odds are they'll be thrilled for the opportunity to call you out.

There's more to it than just catching yourself in the act. You can't simply stop talking and walk away; you have to continue the conversation. Benjamin suggests a strategy called "build and explore. "Think of the 'build' as expanding the 'yes' part of your 'yes, but' by putting more meat on the bones," he says. Rather than offering a generic agreement, point out what you like about the other person's idea, or build on her idea with some points of your own. Adding three specific builds to an argument ensures that you're taking the time to consider the idea, and it shows the other person that you've put some thought into her suggestion.

Once you've built upon the other person's idea, the next step is to raise your concern without phrasing it negatively. This is where Benjamin's "explore" technique comes in: "A good way to do this is to incorporate your concern into a broad -- open-ended -- question." Rephrasing your concern as a question facilitates a considerate conversation just as a "but" facilitates an argument. For example, instead of saying, "I'd love to, but I have to go to work," try saying, "Do you have any ideas about how I could fit a two-week vacation into my work schedule?" This gets the concern out in the open. It also steers the conversation toward exploring solutions, rather than focusing on the roadblock.

Dealing with the "yes, buts" of others
You've dealt with your own "yes, but" habit, but you're still going to find yourself in conversations with people who use "yes, buts." You can defuse the potentially volatile conversation using the "build and explore" technique. Building on their concerns, then defusing the situation with a broad question may not prevent others from using "yes, buts," but it is one of the most effective ways to break the cycle of frustration.

Source: careerbuilder

My education differs from my colleagues': Is it an issue?

Your career path doesn't come with a set of rules to follow or a condition to make you stay in the same field forever. A background in chemistry could lead to a career in health-care public relations. A doctor may one day run a bed and breakfast. An orchestra member may eventually start a music blog.

However your professional life has transformed, you can bring your experience to your new job, even if you think you're the educational odd man out. Here's some advice from professionals who have made unconventional career moves.

Know your new field
If you're starting in a new field or your educational background differs from your co-workers', the first step to being successful is playing catch-up. Jason Batt, who holds a dual degree in language arts and secondary education, is a pastoral staff member at Capital Christian Center in Sacramento. His approach to joining colleagues who hold degrees from seminaries was to "learn as much about the field -- study, study, study -- and recognize my alternative training provides a great source of talent to a team that can sometimes be homogenous in thought and procedure."

Learn everything you can about your company and the field, especially the commonly used language, terms and actions. If you're working at a law firm, make sure you're briefed on the different legal processes your firm handles. Being knowledgeable about the latest industry standards levels the playing field. If you understand what's going on without having to seek help from your co-workers, they're more likely to value your input instead of being skeptical.

Share your unique perspective
A perk of having a different educational background than others is your ability to approach your job with a different perspective. While most of your co-workers may be trained to spot problems and solutions in a traditional manner, your atypical background may help you think more creatively.

Liz Rampy, a kindergarten teacher and licensed professional counselor from Easley, S.C., has a master's degree in community agency counseling. Her advice is "to embrace the unique perspective that you bring to the table. After all, you were hired in the first place." Your employer believes you'll offer a fresh viewpoint. Take this vote of confidence and prove him right.

Make yourself relevant
Remember when you were applying for colleges and your counselor told you that colleges prefer well-rounded applicants? The same is true in the working world. Having a wide range of experiences can be advantageous in your new position, as long as you find a way to make them relevant and prove that they connect to your vision for the future.

Becky Boyd works on marketing, PR and social media at MediaFirst PR in Roswell, Ga., but she has a degree in engineering science and mechanics. "Getting hired by a company outside of your degree depends on how much experience and expertise you have garnered in previous positions," Boyd says. "Because I can understand clients' audiences, industry issues and challenges, I am able to help my clients develop value propositions that win the attention of prospects, the media and industry analysts." Making your background relevant disproves that having a different educational background could be a negative.

Find creative connections
Your background and current career are linked, but in less obvious ways than your co-workers may know. Aside from the obvious reasons why you were hired, what other skills and talents can you apply to your position? Elle Kaplan, CEO of the investment firm Lexion Capital Management, received a bachelor's degree in epic Renaissance literature and chemistry. "I took that and went to Wall Street. My first job was in an investment bank, where I was an analyst," Kaplan says. "Epic Renaissance literature was extremely helpful. When studying, I had to read with a skeptical eye, and I use the same skills when looking over Wall Street research. This critical eye has been key in making smart investment choices."

What may seem like an unrelated background could be an untapped resource in your current career. Get creative and find new connections.

Source: careerbuilder

Quiz: When your boss says this, she really means this

 Susan Ricker,

 As your boss walks by your cubicle, she casually mentions the team is getting pizza for lunch. But you know that she's really saying, "Nobody's getting a raise this year." Understanding your boss's communication style will save you from sleepless nights of trying to decode her conversations. Take this quiz to see if you can interpret what your head honcho's really trying to say.

1. "Let me focus on big-picture ideas; you execute the details." Translation:

A. "I want to goof off this afternoon, and you seem like you know more about this."
B. "I'll be taking credit for your work after the project is complete."
C. "Do all the work but don't be surprised when I criticize you anyway."
D. "Let's discuss my vision and the steps you can take to make this happen."

2. "I'll be out of the office this afternoon, but you can reach me on my cell phone." Translation:

A. "I'm playing hooky, but if anything funny happens, call me."
B. "I'm golfing and will ignore your phone calls."
C. "I have important things to do, and if you try to call me, I'll fire you."
D. "You'll be fine working on your own, but reach out if you need help."

3. "We're going to be staying late the next couple of weeks." Translation:

A. "My home life stinks. Let's all hang out so I don't have to go home."
B. "I'll still be going home at 4 p.m., and that means you need to pick up my work."
C. "The new hours will be 8 a.m. to 8 p.m., permanently."
D. "Everybody will be staying later for a few weeks to get this new project done."

4. "I'll think about it." Translation:

A. "I don't know what we're talking about; I need to find somebody who does."
B. "Let me figure out a way to steal this idea."
C. "I'm doing something more important right now than listening to you."
D. "Send me a follow-up email detailing your idea."

5. "It's good to see you take the initiative." Translation:

A. "Now I have less work to do."
B. "You remind me of me."
C. "Finally, you're doing something on your own."
D. "It's good to see you take the initiative."

Results

Mostly A's: When actor Steve Carrell's character Michael Scott left "The Office," did he join your company? Your boss prefers water cooler talks to board meetings and YouTube videos to PowerPoint presentations. While this managing style can make work more fun, it adds extra steps to getting feedback. Your best bet: Don't get frustrated with your boss's tendency to goof off. Instead, focus on maintaining a positive and friendly relationship. If you two have a jovial relationship, it will be easier to keep him focused when a serious issue arises.

Mostly B's: How many Donald Trump books does your boss have on his shelves? Your boss's role model may be a narcissistic business mogul, but there are advantages to working for such an ambitious manager. In order to create a successful working relationship, subtly model yourself after your boss. If he stops seeing you as competition or as a steppingstone to further his career, you can benefit from his ruthless business practice. Back up his hard-nosed decisions, and show you're there to help, not to get in the way. He'll expect perfection from you, so be firm about what you will and won't do for the team.

Mostly C's: Does the devil wear Prada at your office? This cold and condescending boss is never satisfied with her team's work. What can you do if you're set up for failure? Reject her negative attitude. It's doubtful that your boss will change her ways, so accept that she'll never be satisfied and instead set your own realistic goals. Listen to what your boss's vision is, and execute it the best you can. When she's disappointed in your finished project because she swears she gave you different directions, apply that feedback to your next assignment.

Mostly D's: Who wouldn't love to work for your boss? She supports your ideas, challenges you to work harder and gives you tools to succeed. Take advantage of every opportunity to impress her by taking initiative, working on projects independently and collaborating well with team members. Your boss is setting you up to be a star employee, so make the most of her mentorship.

Source: careerbuilder